What prompted my adventure of self-exploration, love, and validation? I was freed. Not necessarily by my own volition, but I was freed nonetheless and am working towards accepting that reality.
My relationship of nearly four years recently ended. It was a committed relationship, one where I was given and wore a promise ring signifying our future together. The ending was indicative of our relationship and who my partner was as a person, though none of that made it less of a surprise or mitigated any of the pain. Though in retrospect I realize how unhealthy the relationship ultimately became and that my partner and I may have not been as compatible as I had previously thought, the pain remains and my heart is still broken.
Once he was out of my life, and that in and of itself has been a process, I was left alone. Alone with myself for the first time in nearly four years. Alone with myself to nurse my wounds, confront my thoughts, and begin to heal. Throughout the entirety of our relationship I made his problems my problems, and took it upon myself to fix them. Looking back on it, I realize how woefully unhealthy that was, and have since learned what it's called: codependent. I was desperately codependent and for nearly four years I left my emotional and mental needs unmet. The consequences of my codependency were paramount after our breakup; I felt worthless. Without his problems to fix, and his happiness to work towards, I had absolutely nothing. I was empty.
Cue the motivational and uplifting music.
Now that I am on my own, alone but with a wonderful support network behind me, I can do something I haven't done in nearly four years: work on myself. I had lost touch with myself. I became disconnected from what I wanted, how I felt, and what brought me fulfillment. I sought those things from another person, and now that I am alone I need to learn to seek them for myself. That brings me to the here and now, the beginning my journey of self-exploration. This blog is in part my written (or "penned") exploration. I'm taking time for myself, to improve myself to where I am mentally unstoppable. I hope to become a woman who doesn't seek validation from others, who knows her worth resides within herself and not in the opinions of those around her, who is calm and doesn't compulsively feel the need to control her environment and those who inhabit it, and who is in tune with herself. I want to become the best version of myself for myself, and no one else.
That's what this journey is all about. It'll be scary and challenging, but is so necessary. I'm always up for a good challenge, and I'm sure this one won't disappoint.